Why We Get Stuck Asking “How Do I Change?”

Written By Jill Catherine

A practitioner’s guide to the Neuroscience and Internal Family Systems (IFS) Wisdom Beneath the Urgency

“How do I change?!”, we ask ourselves with frustration. This is a deeply human experience, something I’ve experienced often in my life and have witnessed in clients over the past two decades.

It feels like an urgent, sometimes frantic loop. This loop is driven by a sincere desire for transformation — to grow, to stop repeating patterns, and to finally feel and act different.

This desire is so sincere that it can even feel somewhat desperate at times and at its wits end because the current state is causing pain and suffering.

But the urgency of the desire often backfires, keeping us stuck in exactly the behaviors and emotions we want to change.

From the perspectives of neuroscience and Internal Family Systems (IFS), there’s so much more happening beneath the surface than a lack of discipline or will power. Understanding what’s going on in our brains, bodies and inner systems can soften the struggle, which can open up a more compassionate, effective, and sustainable path to change.

🧠 (Some of) The Neuroscience Behind the “How Do I Change?” Loop

1. The Brain Is a Prediction Machine

Our brains are constantly generating predictions about what’s coming next, including how we are likely to behave or feel. This is central to the theory of predictive coding in neuroscience.

When we try to act in a new way — for example, expressing calmness when our brain has long predicted to react with fear, worry, or doubt — it creates cognitive dissonance. That dissonance can feel threatening, and your brain will often try to push you back toward the familiar, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Reason #1 why there’s nothing wrong with us that this loop keeps happening.

2. The Prefrontal Cortex Goes Into Overdrive

The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning, decision-making, problem-solving, and self-regulation. It plays a central role in our ability to be aware, reflective, and act rationally—making it a key hub for our conscious, executive functioning.

Thank you pre-frontal cortex!

But it tends to work overtime when we feel stuck. It loops through strategies, asking “How do I fix this?” It begins to ruminate.

The thing is, most behavior change isn’t just cognitive — it also depends on emotional and somatic integration. We’re not just heads floating around in space (or not yet, even though Musk and Zuckerberg are probably on working on it). We have bodies, which store emotions, memories, and attachment wounds.

Parts of the brain like the amygdala (associated with fear and trauma) and insula (linked to self-awareness and interoception) also play a major role in transformation. Overthinking can actually disconnect us from the emotional integration needed for meaningful change.

Reason #2 why there’s nothing wrong with us that this loop keeps happening.

3. The Stress Response Hijacks the System

When we feel stuck or frustrated about not changing, our body often interprets this as a threat. The amygdala sounds the alarm, releasing cortisol and triggering a fight-flight-freeze response. This is draining on our nervous system and exhausts us.

Ironically, the more desperate we feel to change, the more our system resists. The urgency activates protective defenses that block access to the calm, creative parts of our brain.

Reason #3 why there’s nothing wrong with us that this loop keeps happening.

💜 (Some of) The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Perspective

Internal Family Systems, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, offers a powerful way to understand the mind—not as a single, unified self that’s disconnected from the body, but as a system made up of various “parts.” These parts are like an internal family inside of us. And, this mind is connected to the body, so it’s a whole, integrated system working together.

Each “part” inside of us carries its own thoughts, emotions, and memories, shaped by life experiences, especially those from childhood. We feel these parts in our body too, not just in our mind.

Many of these parts take on protective roles, stepping in to shield us from pain or perceived threat. These roles become our “identity” as times. Our sense of Self blends with them. This is neurobiological. We didn’t rationalize this way of being. It’s how we’ve been wired as humans to stay alive!

To better understand what I mean here, have you ever heard yourself say about a situation, “There is a part of me that’s excited, but there’s a part that is also scared and a little nervous…” This is what IFS means by multiple parts existing within us at the same time.

If the word “parts” doesn’t resonate with you, that’s OK. Most of us can relate to just using the word “emotions,” which we can use in replace of “parts.”

To understand it even further and visually, I highly recommend watching the Pixar film, Inside Out. It’s a beautiful, simplified way of understanding our inner landscape.

IFS as a psychological model is powerful, but it can get quite complex and layered. I’d argue, too layered, but that’s par for the course when we’re talking about the psyche and psychology. That’s why I’ve always stayed focused in the coaching real, where our role is application, practice, and moving forward.

For the general public though, who are not in a mental health crisis and who are craving a sense of well-being and self leadership, the IFS framework at it’s core, I believe, is THE GAME-CHANGER for human development and coaching.

What’s most important, beautiful, and transformative about this way to relate to our inner world, is that it helps us to see there are no bad parts/feelings. Each one has a role to play. They’re giving us signals, not facts, that attention is needed. They are trying to help, and the louder they get, the more immediate their need is to tell us something.

Unlike other ways to understand our mind, thoughts, and feelings, which aim to reframe or challenge thoughts just from a rational standpoint, IFS helps us to build a new relationship with the inner part/feeling behind those thoughts without trying to change or fix them; without seeing them as wrong or broken.

While IFS was originally developed within the field of psychotherapy, its core principles translate beautifully into coaching — offering a practical, compassionate framework to support inner leadership, emotional integration, and sustainable behavior change without demonizing the parts of us that struggle.

In coaching, IFS becomes a daily practice of self-inquiry and self-leadership — helping clients build inner trust, navigate challenges with clarity, and lead their lives or work from a more integrated and empowered place.

We learn how to uncouple from the part/feeling, so we can witness it from a place of “Self”—a core state of calmness, clarity, compassion, connectedness, courage, curiosity, creativity, and confidence.

In this space where we’re connected to Self and not blended with the part/feeling, we innately have the capacity to lead our Selves and others.

For years, I’ve benefited from the reframing and reappraisal models of human development. With over two decades of practice and training, I’ve become quite skilled at it. BUT, (and that’s a big b-u-t on purpose) I still found myself struggling with against certain thoughts and behaviors.

There’s an aspect of the “reframing your mindset” model that still kept me in a black-and-white, dualistic way of thinking that has an undercurrent of “these feelings/thoughts are right or wrong, bad or good.”

When I started working with the IFS model, I started to learn the path of internal inquiry, internal curiosity, from a place of self compassion.

I started to learn how to turn inward and ask for space from the overwhelming parts/feelings inside of my system SO I could get closer to them … SO I could understand what they needed from me and then give it to them … NOT so I could try to change them or push them away.

This process and practice was very different than all the “reframing your mindset” work. Again, I’m a big fan of reframing strategies and still use them with myself and clients, but for my system (and for many others out there) there was an undercurrent of disconnection and disintregration that couldn’t be transformed by the rational mind only.

(Some of) The IFS Model and the “How do I Change” Part

In the IFS model, the voice urgently asking “How do I change?” is typically a manager part of us— a part trying to keep us safe by pushing for control, clarity, and improvement. The manager part feels like “us,” as we might identify with it as “it’s me.”

But it’s actually a part/feeling/way of being we’re blended with; not our “Self” —- a core state of calmness, clarity, compassion, connectedness, courage, curiosity, creativity, and confidence.

The manager part is often working so hard because there’s a part/feeling underneath it that it’s preventing us from feeling because that part underneath carries an overwhelming wound, belief, or burden holding a core fear or emotion (like shame) around the behavior we’re trying to change.

In IFS, this part is called the “exile,” but don’t worry about remembering all these names; just getting the concept of our brilliantly designed system has protector parts/feelings inside trying to keep us safe from core wounds/beliefs/fears/emotions is enough.

It might look like this (with other feelings probably surrounding it):

  • Manager part voice: “We know what the issue is. How do we fix it!?”

  • Exile part voice: “I’m wrong. I’m bad. I’m not enough. I’m unloveable. I’ll die.”

None of these parts/feelings are the problem. They haven’t done anything wrong. Everyone is trying to help and keep us safe, but from within old survival strategies that may no longer serve us.

And, that’s the point here — until then, for most of us, none of this development stuff matters. It’s only relevant to us when whatever way of being, working, living, or existing is no longer working for us like it did before and we’re suffering as a result of it.

Then, this development stuff matters and we’re ready to give it a go.

🔄 Why the Urgent “How” Keeps Us Stuck

1. Because It Bypasses “Who”

In IFS, transformation begins not with how but with who.

  • Who inside of you - or what feeling inside of you - is asking, pushing, pressuring? Can you pause and get to know that part/feeling with curiosity instead of judgment? Can you ask it to give you some space and not overwhelm you so you can listen to what it needs?

2. Because Some Parts Aren’t Ready to Change

Change can feel risky to our system that has been operating for years, decades even, in a certain way to keep us safe and functional in the world.

To think that we can just reorient our inner safety system because our “rational mind” sees what needs to change is not possible because it’s not integrated.

For some of us, no matter how many rational strategies we try, until that part who carries a core fear/emotion feels seen, witnessed, understood, and supported by us, we will struggle to change. Our own system will protect us from the change that we need.

It’s counterintuitive and kind of a mind f*ck, but it’s true.

We’ll keep “sabotaging,” as so many of us like to say. Or, we’ll be able to change a behavior temporarily through will power (which IFS would probably call a controlling part) only to have it resurface again later or in another way.

🌱 What Helps Instead of “How Do I Change?”

1. Turn Toward, Not Against

  • Welcome the urgency instead of trying to override it.

  • Thank that part for caring so deeply about you.

  • Ask it to soften so you can listen to what’s underneath. Ask it if it will give you just a little space inside.

2. Pause the “How.” Ask “Who?”

  • Who in me or what feeling/part inside of me is trying so hard to change?

  • What does it want me to know?

  • What is it afraid will happen if I don’t change?

  • What is it protecting me from?

  • What does it need from me/Self to feel safe?

3. Access Self-Energy

IFS teaches that each of us has a core Self — a sense of calmness, compassion, connectedness, curiosity, confidence, courage, clarity, and creativity.

When feelings/parts feel this Self-energy, they start to relax. From this place of safety and care, lasting change becomes possible — not through pressure, but through relationship.

🪞 Try This Reflection Prompt

“There’s a part of me that really wants to change. It’s pushing, planning, maybe even panicking. Can I pause and get to know this part? Can I thank it for caring so much about me? And can I ask it gently — what is it afraid would happen if I didn’t change? What does it need from me to feel safe and seen?”

Use this as a journaling prompt or simply as a daily check-in with your inner system.

Final Thought

If you find yourself stuck in the loop of “How do I change?”, know you’re not broken or doing anything wrong — you’re protecting something tender. That pressure isn’t a flaw; it’s a sign that some part of you is working overtime to keep you safe.

When you meet that urgency with curiosity instead of force, your system begins to soften. And from there, transformation becomes not only possible — it becomes sustainable.

As always, you don’t have to do this work alone. We’re here to help.

📚 Sources & Resources

Jill Catherine
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